Why Heero No Longer Makes His Bed ....
by hilde girl
Summary: Or Even Sleeps In One! The third story from the series started with Why Heero Makes His Own Bed. Guess who's back! And you'll never believe who's helping him this time!
1. Things Get Fruity

Author: Hilde Girl  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, cause if I did, we'd all be in trouble!  
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This is next story after Why Heero Makes His Own Bed and The Meeting  
It has several short chapters, and I'll be posting the first 7 to see what you think of it so far. The first  
couple aren't that funny, but keep reading and I hope you'll be rewarded!  
I hope it is funnier than the first two, not that they weren't funny. It's been a long time since I wrote  
last, but now that I'm out of school for the summer, I'm free to write. Read on!  
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Chapter One  
Things Get Fruity  
  
Sighing, the host of Earth Sphere's Most Unbelievable looked over the list of guests on that  
days show. Today, he had to deal with a one eyed donkey, dancing monkeys, a very fat man on a  
very small unicycle, and alien abductees. He massaged his temples, preparing for the hard work.  
How could anyone believe this stuff? The monkeys were guys in suits, the jackass had a grey patch  
over one eye, and he supposed the fat guy was just talented. The abductee was just crazy. Dum  
dum da da dum! The theme music was starting, so the host ran out to introduce the guests.  
Minutes passed, and the audience was enjoying the monkeys juggling fruit while the fat guy cycled  
around them. The abductee had been booed off the show after the audience saw he was just a  
crazy old man. Suddenly, the lights went out. The audience was starting to get nervous. Then, the  
crazy abductee ran out onto the stage, upsetting everone. One monkey lost his fruit,and it crashed  
into the old man. Angered at being covered in apples and bananas, he started going crazy. He  
snatched the host right off his feet, and yelled at everyone. No one could understand what he was  
saying. He ran backstage with the hapless host, knocking people out of the way. Police sirens went  
off, and pretty soon the cops were after him. Unfortunately, all they found backstage was a dead  
host, and a small note, with a green handprint. The note read,  
I'll teach you all to believe me. I was abducted,  
but now I'm back, and I'm not the same.  
  



	2. Master of Disaster

Chapter 2  
Master of Disaster  
  
Life was dull when there was no war to fight in. Duo Maxwell sat down in his favorite chair,  
and grabbed the remote out of an unsuspecting Quatre's hand. "Hey, we were going to watch Cute  
and Fuzzy Animals!" Quatre protested. Duo shook his head. It was time for his favorite show, Earth  
Sphere's Most Unbelievable.  
"You're not going to watch that crap with the dancing monkeys, are you?" Asked Heero,  
who hated the show. "You know they're not real, right?"  
"Are too! And tonight there's going to be a big dude on a one wheeled bike." Everyone  
voted, and Duo won, 3 to 2. Just as he turned the TV, a newsman popped up.  
"This is a special EarthSphere news bulletin. A crazed old man has brutally murdered the  
popular host of Earth Sphere's Most Unbelievable, and is now on the loose." Duo looked as though  
he was going to cry. "This is the only clue to his identity, the footage just before the hosts death."  
A clip was shown of the man, ranting and raving, and getting fruited. The pilots gasped in shock. It  
was Pagan.  
  



	3. Why Me?

Chapter 3  
WHHYY MMMMEEEEEEEE????  
  
Pagan ran through the dark city streets, looking for somewhere to stay the night. A lot of  
people were still out, trying to make some cash. He didn't see the street corner band until it was too  
late. Cursing them, he tried to keep running, but was stopped by the bands leader, who was about 8  
feet tall. "Goin' Somewhere?" he asked.  
  
Two hours later, bruised and without any money, Pagan wandered into a subway tunnel. He  
snuck onto one of the cars and sat down. Everyone around him moved a seat back, except for the  
man with a grubby black hat and two gold teeth. He grinned at Pagan, revealing that all the other  
teeth were missing. Pagan didn't smile back.  
  
Twenty minutes of struggle and insistence that he was NOT a pork chop later, Pagan got  
off the train, one gold tooth still imbedded in his arm. A few more minutes of street wandering, and  
he found just what he was looking for.  
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Heero adjusted the front of his green tank top with a smile, which soon left his face. Even if  
he got stuck with this job, at least they weren't going to make him change for it. The only reason he  
was stuck doing this was because the others were too chicken to go. Calmly, Heero knocked on  
the door of Relena's Mansion. Suprisingly, a new servant answered the door. He was a lot younger  
than Pagan had been, maybe half his age. Heero stared at him, trying to size him up. "Have I seen  
you before?" Heero asked him. Without a word, the new servant ushered Heero into the house and  
pointed towards the dining room. Heero walked in to see Relena sitting at the table. Heero's first  
words to her were, "Your new servant is real friendly, huh?"  
"Dagan? Oh well, as long as I can trust him, it's fine."  
"How do you know you can trust him?" asked Heero.  
"He had great references. Anyway, what's so important that I had to cancel my meeting?"  
"It's Pagan. We believe he is on the loose on Earth."  
  



	4. They're All Nuts

Chapter 4  
They're All Nuts  
  
Duo was trying to keep the group in a good mood while they searched the city for Pagan.  
"Who knew he would hide out in Relenaopolis?" he joked to his partner, Heero. The rest had split up  
to keep searching. "Hey Heero, if guys have an Adams apple, what did girls get?"  
"Shuttup."  
"Ha! You don't know? Eve's apples!"  
"You're sick."  
"Yeah, but I got Adam's walnuts! Get it?"  
"Don't make me hurt you."  



	5. It Wasn't Me

Chapter 5  
It Wasn't Me  
  
Trowa stealthily slipped around the alleyway corner, hiding in the shadows. He crept up  
behind his prey, making not a sound. Just when he was 2 inches away, he leapt. "Hi Trowa!" said  
Quatre, happy to see him, but looking a bit uncomfortable. Trowa fell to the ground in shock,  
wondering how in the hell Quatre knew he was there. As his head hit the ground, he noticed  
something laying there. Quatre saw him looking. "Oh, how'd that get there? It definitely isn't mine.  
Some complete stranger must have dropped it." He smiled wide and pulled Trowa out of the alley.  
They walked north, towards the center of the city. Trowa looked back only once at the Playgirl  
magazine laying there.  
  



	6. What Ryhmes With Wufei?

Chapter 6  
What Ryhmes With Wufei?  
  
Wufei was still upset at having to go off alone. He believed that if Pagan had any sense of  
honor, he would turn himself in. While turning the corner, he walked smack into a man who just  
stared at him. Having never seen a mime, Wufei watched as the man encased him into an invisible  
box. Stunned, he tried to break his way out, but couldn't! Angry, he began to stomp around in the  
box. "Kuso!" He yelled. The mime understood what that meant. With a quick gesture, he opened  
the box and put an invisible rope around Wufei's neck. He pulled him out of the box with the rope,  
and Wufei bit him! Enraged, the mime grabbed the top of Wufei's head and yanked. His look of rage  
turned to surprise as Wufei's hair snapped clean off! The mime silently laughed as Wufei  
desperately tried to grab his hair back. On accident, he swiped the hair into the road where a biker  
was riding. The hair caught in the bike's spokes! "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" cried  
the biker as he went out of control into a dumpster. Wufei eagerly jumped in after him.  
  



	7. The Cavalry Arrives

Chapter 7  
The Cavalry Arrives  
  
They found no trace of Pagan in Relenaopolis, so the pilots went back to their new  
apartment on Earth to brainstorm ideas. However, no one was doing much thinking.  
"What is that smell?" asked Quatre, whipping out a can of Glade and spraying everyone.  
"Wasn't me!" Four pilots said at once. Suddenly, Duo got a whiff of the scent. With his  
expert nose, he followed the stench to Wufei, who was starting to smell like rotten eggs, soured  
milk, and bad cheese. "Whoa, Wu-man, have you been dumpster swimming?" Everyone laughed.  
"Even your hair smells. And it looks funny!" Duo poked it and with a swish, it spun around on  
Wufei's head. Embarrassed, Wufei grabbbed his hair and tried to hold it down. He hastily left the  
room, knocking over some lemonade, all over Duo's pants and the floor.  
"Bummer!" he cried. He tried to wipe it off with the end of Quatre's shirt.  
"Hey, Duo! Hilde is going to be here soon." said Heero. The pilots had called everyone,  
asking them all to meet to develop a plan. Duo ran to the bathroom, looking for the mop. He couldn't  
be seen like this! Sighing in relief, he picked up the mop handle. Unfortunately, there was nothing  
attached to the bottom. "NNNNOOOOOOOO!!" He yelled in frustration. Then, he got an idea. He  
would rip his shirt off like a pro wrestler, and attach it to the mop. Grabbing two fistfulls of black  
fabric, he yanked feircely. Nothing happened. Frustrated, he ran into his bedroom, and grabbed the  
nearest cloth. Meanwhile, Heero let Hilde into the living room. Once Duo had the mess cleaned up  
off the floor, he went unsuspecting, into the living room. "Oi, Heero, how do I get this out?" He  
pointed to the big yellow stain on the bedsheet he was holding up. Then he noticed Hilde, and  
fainted.  
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Well, what do you think? THe next chapter, still in the works, is called Thats Why They Call   
Him Wind. R&R!  



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